Don't make out with my wife yet
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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