I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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