I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
