Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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