areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
