i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
