Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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