I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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