apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
