Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
