have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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