You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
