eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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