im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
