I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
