It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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