Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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