the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
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That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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