I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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