i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
