I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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