I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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