if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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