I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
