So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
