in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
