I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
