So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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