fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
