you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
