At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
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He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
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Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize