FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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