Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
