I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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