This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
