she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
