I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
