Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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