If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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