Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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