Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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