dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
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You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
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My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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