He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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