i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
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He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
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I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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