does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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