Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
