I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Watching her eat just hurts me
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
