You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
