I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
