i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
