My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
