a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
