I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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