my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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