I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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