i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
