I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
