it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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