What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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