You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
